Lesbians, What's Up With You Guys?

This microblog is the gay friend you never had. All those crazy, semi-offensive, boring, gross questions you've had about lesbians and other sexy stuff? Answered here. Also, feel free to submit your own questions and our illustrious team of homo-scientists will research, science fair project and attempt to hilariously & erroneously answer you.
Childhood Memories I Now Understand Sally: Mirrors over the bed, round beds, satin sheets, and erotic couple photos.  Oh my!  There are people who own these things and invite you over so you may imagine them using these erotic home accents.  No judgement except on the erotic couple photos.  Put that shit away, you vain, vain people.   I don’t know about you, but I remember a time in my youth when having a mirror above your bed was totally cool.  Not one, but a few of my mother’s friends owned an above bed mirror and allowed me to lay under their sexy looking glass as a child.  Only ten years later did I realize I had stared deep into their sex mirror.  It maybe possible that my mother ran with a sexy crowd, but that’s another post.  This is a childhood memory I know understand, but it raises so many more questions… It’s been a good twenty years since I have seen such a thing.  Why has this sex trend gone away?  And what about round beds?  Sure, they’re in the movies, but what about real life?  Did manufacturers stop making round sheets?  Large erotic and non erotic couple photos are still alive, unfortunately.   Mandisa: I just want to tag on the end of this, mostly to say that I have absolutely nothing to do with that photo. It is truly strange. Anyway, round beds and their matching sheets totally still exist. Ikea used to have them, but they don’t anymore :( Fear not, Italian luxury furniture comapny Prealpi has a round bed for every sexy short velvet robe wearing single:  Crap, now Sally knows what I’m getting her for her birthday.

Childhood Memories I Now Understand

Sally: Mirrors over the bed, round beds, satin sheets, and erotic couple photos.  Oh my!  There are people who own these things and invite you over so you may imagine them using these erotic home accents.  No judgement except on the erotic couple photos.  Put that shit away, you vain, vain people.  

I don’t know about you, but I remember a time in my youth when having a mirror above your bed was totally cool.  Not one, but a few of my mother’s friends owned an above bed mirror and allowed me to lay under their sexy looking glass as a child.  Only ten years later did I realize I had stared deep into their sex mirror.  It maybe possible that my mother ran with a sexy crowd, but that’s another post.  This is a childhood memory I know understand, but it raises so many more questions…

It’s been a good twenty years since I have seen such a thing.  Why has this sex trend gone away?  And what about round beds?  Sure, they’re in the movies, but what about real life?  Did manufacturers stop making round sheets?  Large erotic and non erotic couple photos are still alive, unfortunately.  

Mandisa: I just want to tag on the end of this, mostly to say that I have absolutely nothing to do with that photo. It is truly strange.

Anyway, round beds and their matching sheets totally still exist. Ikea used to have them, but they don’t anymore :(

Fear not, Italian luxury furniture comapny Prealpi has a round bed for every sexy short velvet robe wearing single: 

Crap, now Sally knows what I’m getting her for her birthday.

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SEX JAMS…OR YOU AND YOUR F MIX

When the time for loving comes, there are a few things everyone needs to set the mood. 

Candles:

Protection…you know, just in case…:

And obviously you need a sex jam:

Besides a citrus passion-scented Yankee Candle (a real thing), there is nothing more important to sexy times than the soundtrack. So what’s the best jam for your F mix?

Mandisa: 

Personally I like to go for smooth saxophone tunes for that special moment. Hence the choice of Sade, always. However, my top 3 sex jams are

#3-Andre 3000’s ‘She Lives in My Lap’ which unfortunately features Rosario Dawson giggling for some reason.

#2-The classic Janet Jackson hit ‘That’s the Way Love Goes’, mostly because the video features J Lo. and the best bone and feather choker ever made.

#1-And of course, another Janet Jackson favorite, and the sexiest song ever: Any Time, Any Place. Which also has a video so sexy, I wouldn’t watch it in front of my mother when I was a kid. Or now…watching Any Time, Any Place is my me time.

What’s your top sex jam Sally?

Sally:  Obviously R. Kelly’s You Remind Me Of Something is my top pick for songs to make sweet love too.  Despite the terrible things he’s done and has been accused of doing he has a voice that is pure silky butter dipped in melted brie cheese, all wrapped up in a Snicker’s ice cream bar.  Look at the man.

That’s decadent eroticism reverberating out of a mound of red mink.  But why You Remind Me of Something?There’s so many sexy classics like Bump n’ Grind and Your Body’s Callin’.  Well personally for me, I just love hearing the words:

You remind me of my jeep, I wanna ride it
Something like my sound, I wanna pump it
Girl you look just like my cars, I wanna wax it
And something like my bank account
I wanna spend it, baby

“You remind me of my jeep” are the six words every person longs to hear the most and guess what world?  I’m no different.

After I play this song on loop a few times then I switch it up with Instruments of Science and Technology.  I couldn’t tell you what any of his songs are called or what they even sound like.  IST works well as almost invisible background music, but still provides some sounds so that your roommate doesn’t have to hear you in the throes of passion.

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Sunday Funday: Lesbian Pulp Fiction Covers 

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Friends With Benefits  Warning: This post has nothing to do with the cinematic awfulness starring Britney Spears’ Ex and Mila Kunis.  Sally: Ahh, friends with benefits, the polite term for fuck buddy, booty call, or boon poon.  Jokes!  I just made that last one up, but feel free to use it.  Thanks a bunch synonyms.com! A friend with benefits is the person that you use like a blanket that maybe you bunched up and rubbed against as a child in the middle of the night.  They are familiar and comforting, give you weird feelings in your crotchal region, but come daylight things are totally platonic.  No one even knows what you did there, but you do.  Alright, uncomfortable childhood sexuality memories aside let’s hear about the pros and cons of these unsung heroes. A friend with benefits is a great way to have all the wonderfulness of a relationship aka constant sexing without all the horrible love parts.  No commitment, no strings attached and since they are still sort of your friend you might be able to score a brunch partner every once in awhile.  The best of both worlds.  However, we all know the downfall of this non relationship.  The same downfall that many a romantic comedy has showed us in spectacularly unfunny ways.  Sometimes you grow to love your toasted humpernickel bread with cheese.  Alas what to do then?  Play it cool obviously and never say your true feelings.  I learned that last lesson from MTV’s Truelife:  Friends With Benefits.  Every life lesson can be learned from Truelife. Mandisa:  I also watched that episode and I learned to never sign up to be on MTV:Anything because you will be made to look like a douche. Friends with benefits is not a place I’ve ever gone to and I don’t imagine I ever will. When I thought I was straight (I really did you guys!) I was never friends with any straight men that weren’t dating my friends so there goes that half of the equation. (This is still very true. Straight dudes, what’s up with you guys?) Now that I’m fully aware of my gayness, I have exactly the same problem. I have very few lesbian friends and for the most part they are not single.* And that’s how I like it.  My name is Mandisa, and I find it pretty much impossible to have platonic lady gay friends.  The urge I always have to fall in like/obsession/fantasy-land with friends has always been a source of great internal embarrassment. Eventually the feelings work themselves out but ug, why does it always happen? Or actually, why isn’t this happening to everyone else? You pick your friends because they are awesome. Chances are you think they’re cute too. Who wants to hang out with a bunch of uggos? Not me. If you throw in a how do you say, matching sexual orientation/sexy part match-up, a crush is only natural! Since I know this is a problem of mine, I avoid situations where it can flare up like an outbreak of something yicky in a sensitive spot. Single lesbians, you want to hang out and just watch a movie or something? Call me when you’ve got a ragingly jealous girlfriend that can come along too because then all 3 of us can build a meaningful platonic relationship together. Long story short, no fuck buddies, no friends with benefits for me. Though I think it’s a great idea in theory it really didn’t work out for Mila and Justin. Not like I saw that movie or anything… *I have one single female friend of the queer persuasion and it’s this one. I’d normally link to her tumblr but you guys should check out her photos too, they’re great! She’s awesome and I doubt to replicate the platonic-ness of this friendship with another girl in this decade. Because obviously I have a problem achieving this. Working on it.

Friends With Benefits 

Warning: This post has nothing to do with the cinematic awfulness starring Britney Spears’ Ex and Mila Kunis. 

Sally: Ahh, friends with benefits, the polite term for fuck buddy, booty call, or boon poon.  Jokes!  I just made that last one up, but feel free to use it.  Thanks a bunch synonyms.com!

A friend with benefits is the person that you use like a blanket that maybe you bunched up and rubbed against as a child in the middle of the night.  They are familiar and comforting, give you weird feelings in your crotchal region, but come daylight things are totally platonic.  No one even knows what you did there, but you do.  Alright, uncomfortable childhood sexuality memories aside let’s hear about the pros and cons of these unsung heroes.

A friend with benefits is a great way to have all the wonderfulness of a relationship aka constant sexing without all the horrible love parts.  No commitment, no strings attached and since they are still sort of your friend you might be able to score a brunch partner every once in awhile.  The best of both worlds.  However, we all know the downfall of this non relationship.  The same downfall that many a romantic comedy has showed us in spectacularly unfunny ways.  Sometimes you grow to love your toasted humpernickel bread with cheese.  Alas what to do then?  Play it cool obviously and never say your true feelings.  I learned that last lesson from MTV’s Truelife:  Friends With Benefits.  Every life lesson can be learned from Truelife.

Mandisa: 

I also watched that episode and I learned to never sign up to be on MTV:Anything because you will be made to look like a douche.

Friends with benefits is not a place I’ve ever gone to and I don’t imagine I ever will. When I thought I was straight (I really did you guys!) I was never friends with any straight men that weren’t dating my friends so there goes that half of the equation. (This is still very true. Straight dudes, what’s up with you guys?)

Now that I’m fully aware of my gayness, I have exactly the same problem. I have very few lesbian friends and for the most part they are not single.* And that’s how I like it. 

My name is Mandisa, and I find it pretty much impossible to have platonic lady gay friends. 

The urge I always have to fall in like/obsession/fantasy-land with friends has always been a source of great internal embarrassment. Eventually the feelings work themselves out but ug, why does it always happen? Or actually, why isn’t this happening to everyone else?

  1. You pick your friends because they are awesome.
  2. Chances are you think they’re cute too. Who wants to hang out with a bunch of uggos? Not me.
  3. If you throw in a how do you say, matching sexual orientation/sexy part match-up, a crush is only natural!

Since I know this is a problem of mine, I avoid situations where it can flare up like an outbreak of something yicky in a sensitive spot. Single lesbians, you want to hang out and just watch a movie or something? Call me when you’ve got a ragingly jealous girlfriend that can come along too because then all 3 of us can build a meaningful platonic relationship together.

Long story short, no fuck buddies, no friends with benefits for me. Though I think it’s a great idea in theory it really didn’t work out for Mila and Justin. Not like I saw that movie or anything…

*I have one single female friend of the queer persuasion and it’s this one. I’d normally link to her tumblr but you guys should check out her photos too, they’re great! She’s awesome and I doubt to replicate the platonic-ness of this friendship with another girl in this decade. Because obviously I have a problem achieving this. Working on it.

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One Million ‘Mos

Mandisa:

The past couple of weeks have seen the little-known organized hate-bomb known as ‘One Million Moms’ waging a pathetic little war on retail giant JC Penney for hiring Ellen Degeneres as their spokeslady and then having the nerve to show two happy lesbians and their happy kids and a grandma in their Mother’s Day catalog. 

Side note: two lesbian moms = twice the moms for mother’s day. Shouldn’t One Million Moms be celebrating all these moms?

In more JC Penney dyke drama news:

xoJane.com, aka the site I peruse over my lunch (smoked turkey & chipotle hummus on quinoa bread. I’m assuming you’re interested. Anyway.) has a nifty little article named 

10 Things Way More Likely To Turn You Into A Huge Lesbo Than JC Penney

Here’s my favorite:

3. The Steamy Lesbian Threesome in the One Million Moms Logo, Am I Right? They’re Totally Scissoring

Totes scissoring. Or chatting about their feelings while fingering. Both completely lesbian things to do with your time.

Also, Jezebel has dubbed One Million Moms ‘a hateful collective of a few thousand insufferable busybodies’ in an article titled 

Irrelevant Homophobes Newly Enraged Over JC Penney Ad Showing Lesbian Couple Being Happy

Thank you Jezebel for putting that so succinctly and perfectly.

Even conservative pundit and super Republican Bill O’ Freakin’ Reilly thinks you guys are nuts. “This JCPenney thing is a witchhunt and shouldn’t happen,” O’Reilly said on his show…, comparing One Million Moms’ boycott to the McCarthy era’s hunt for communist sympathizers.

Here’s the thing Moms: you dorks are better advertising than JC Penney could possibly ever pay for. Even people who are like ‘ew, big box stores in my town are gross’ are now thinking super favorably of JC Penney. Keep on sqwaking chickens.

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Lesbian Thoughts…

Lesbian Thoughts…

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Got to make sure the booty looks good before a night out!

wheninboystown:

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Sex Robot, What’s Up With You Guys?

Sally: Oh, nothing because essentially you are just an empty shell of a woman for others to penetrate.  Carry on, Sex Robot.

Meet Roxxxy and she is the brain sex child of Douglas Hines and his company TrueCompanion.  Gaze upon the pinnacle of robot lovin’.

Now you’ve probably stopped gazing at her because she’s a bit awkward to look at.  She kind of has the body of language of someone who about to get their teeth drilled.  But Roxxxy is a major break through for technosexuals (people with a sexual attraction to machinery) for just $7,000 to $9,000.  She can be programmed for sexy times (duh) and to know your personality.  Hook her up to your labtop and she can know your likes, dislikes, even express lovey dovey feelings to you.  Once you connect her to the internet she’ll have a dearth of vocabulary, all ready to express her cold robot love.  Not to mention you can customize her breast size, eye color and other physical characteristics just like babies of the future (hopefully). 

Now we’ve all had lurid thoughts of the ultimate sex robot, Data from TNG.

Swoon, it’s so adorbs how you just want to be human, Data!  So I can’t really be too judgmental, but I can’t help but feel a little ick about the whole situation.  What’s wrong with us real girls?  A lot of things, okay I think I understand the sex robot slightly better.

For more info check out Discovery Health’s documentary Sex Robot or The Mechanical Bride.

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JC Penney <3 Lesbians!

Mandisa:

In that super-huge tome JC Penney demurely calls a catalog there lurks two pages that strike fear in the hearts of One Million Moms everywhere!

It’s two happy lesbians and their happy daughters and their adorbs happy grandma in matching printed cotton and linen!

Ahhhhhhh!

So those Moms, who boycotted JCP when they had the nerve to hire Ellen to shill their wares, those Moms are up in bingo arms about this ad. But they’re not total haters - they just want JC Penney to remain neutral in the culture war (?) because ‘what was the purpose in stating that [the real-life model moms] are partners?’ 

Um…the purpose is that they are partners. Do the OMM want JCP to call them roommates? They’ve got their wedding rings on and a couple kids to boot. 

Anyway, Autostraddle has a great write-up rant on this so you can mosey on over there for that while I spend way too much time on Pinterest.

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Famous Straight Dudes Who <3 Gays: Daniel Radcliffe The Boy Wonder

 

Mandisa:

“The ultimate reason gay marriage should be legalized everywhere is because, as a kid, you look to your mum and dad and they’re married, then you look at the gay couple who’ve been together for the same amount of time, but because they can’t get married their relationship doesn’t seem the same. Gay people should have equality in law everywhere. If you grow up as a young gay man knowing you don’t have the same opportunities as everyone else, you’re going to feel victimized and massive prejudice towards you.”

That’s Daniel Radcliffe of Harry Potter fame letting everyone know why gay marriage should be legal. He’s 22, famous, rich, talented, adorbs, and a-okay with supporting our rights. Yay!

Radcliffe has been a very vocal supporter and poster boy (poster man?) for the Trevor Project, a nonprofit organization that offers support to sexual minority youth. The organization’s 24-hour suicide prevention hotline is available at (866) 4-U-TREVOR (488-7386). 

Dan (can I call him Dan?) has also had to respond to gay rumors because of his public support of LGBT rights. He says he’s straight but he’d be okay with being gay, and if he was he’s be into Ryan Gosling. Obvs.

Check out HuffPo gay voices for some more homo news!

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